Recognising the signs: when behaviour starts to cross the line
An unanswered message. A disagreement about money. Your partner making plans without you.
What happens next?
Perhaps you keep calling until they answer. Make a comment you later regret. Insist they cancel their plans. Or carry on arguing when they have asked for space.
You may see your reaction as frustration, concern or wanting to be heard. But how does it feel for the other person?
Recognising the impact of your behaviour can be difficult. It can also be the starting point for change. Somerset Domestic Abuse’s Engage programme offers support to help you take that step.
Looking at everyday behaviour
Some behaviours can become so familiar that we stop questioning them. Checking a partner’s whereabouts may feel reassuring to you. For them, it may mean feeling watched or having to explain every movement.
Think about whether you recognise any of these situations:
- Sending repeated messages and becoming frustrated when you do not get an immediate reply.
- Checking someone’s phone or expecting them to share passwords.
- Making comments that leave a partner feeling embarrassed, criticised or small.
- Reacting badly when they want to spend time with friends or family.
- Making financial decisions without them or expecting them to justify everything they spend.
- Continuing an argument when they have asked for a break.
- Raising your voice, slamming doors or standing in someone’s way.
- Putting pressure on them after they have said no.
It can help to think beyond what you meant to do and consider what happened as a result. Did the other person become quiet? Change their plans? Agree just to bring the conversation to an end?
Those reactions deserve attention.
Can they tell you how they feel?
In a healthy relationship, both people should have room to disagree, make choices and raise concerns.
Ask yourself:
Can my partner say no without worrying about my reaction?
Do I listen when they tell me something I have done has upset them?
Can they spend time apart from me without facing questions or criticism afterwards?
Have they started avoiding certain subjects or changing what they do to keep me happy?
You may find some answers uncomfortable. Try to stay with that feeling long enough to understand what it is telling you.
Moving beyond “I didn’t mean it”
Perhaps you have said, “I was only joking,” “I had a difficult day,” or “I just wanted you to understand.”
Your intentions matter, but so does the effect on the other person. A joke can leave someone feeling humiliated. Repeated calls can make an evening out feel stressful. An argument can leave someone anxious long after you feel it is over.
Stress, jealousy and insecurity can be difficult feelings to manage. Support can help you understand those feelings and develop different ways of responding.
A useful question is: “What could I do differently so the other person feels heard, respected and able to make their own choices?”
Turning concern into change
You may already have apologised or promised to handle things differently. You may mean it each time, but find yourself repeating the same behaviour.
That is a reason to seek support.
Change takes more than good intentions. It involves recognising patterns, taking responsibility for your responses and practising different ways of behaving over time.
It also means respecting the other person’s boundaries and choices. They may need space, and they may make decisions about the relationship that you find difficult. Working on your behaviour remains something you can choose to do.
Support through Engage
Engage supports adults aged 18 and over in Somerset who want to address harmful behaviour in their relationships, regardless of gender or sexual orientation.
The programme offers a supported route for people who recognise the impact of their behaviour and want to make positive changes. Partners, ex-partners and family members can also access support through the wider service, with their safety and wellbeing central to the work.
You do not have to have all the answers before getting in touch. A conversation can help you understand the support available and whether Engage could be right for you.
Start with a conversation
If something in this article feels familiar, you could begin with:
“I’m worried about how I react in my relationship, and I’d like support to do things differently.”
Contact Somerset Domestic Abuse on 0800 69 49 999, 8am to 8pm, seven days a week, or visit the Engage information page.
You can contact the service yourself. Professionals can also refer someone with their explicit consent. An initial assessment will help establish whether the programme is suitable.
Recognising a pattern gives you an opportunity to change it. Support is available to help you begin.
