Men and domestic abuse

Recognise the signs of an unhealthy relationship and what you can do to get help

If you are feeling controlled, unable to make your own decisions, scared, intimidated or threatened by your partner or a family member, you are being abused. Your relationship does not have to be physically violent to be abusive.

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Most men do not believe or feel they are a victim until sometime after they no longer have control of their life and have become isolated. You are not to blame, you are not weak and your are not alone. There is help available.

Find out how we can help you and how you can get in touch.

ManKind also provides support, information and signposting for men experiencing domestic abuse. They have a directory of services that you may find helpful.

Myths and misconceptions about domestic abuse

Only women experience domestic abuse

Reality: Men can also experience domestic abuse from their female partners. People can be subjected to abuse regardless of how they identify their sexuality. Abuse can happen in same-sex relationships. However, it is not just between partners, it can be between other types of family relationships.

The Men’s Advice Line is for male victims of domestic abuse. They offer confidential advice, non-judgmental support, practical information and help.

She does not hit me so it is not abuse

Reality: Abuse does not always take the form of violence. It can be controlling, coercive, threatening or degrading behaviour.

Find out more about the different types of abuse.

Domestic abuse always involves physical or sexual violence

Reality: Domestic abuse is often thought of as the beating up of a partner or sexual assault, but sometimes there is no physical assault.

Other abusive behaviours include:

  • Coercive control
  • Psychological abuse
  • Financial or economic control
  • Emotional abuse
  • Harassment
  • Stalking
  • Online or digital abuse

Short free online awareness courses are available to help you understand more about domestic abuse.

Alcohol and drugs make women more violent

Reality: Alcohol and drugs do not cause domestic abuse, but can make existing abuse worse. Many people use alcohol or drugs and do not abuse their partner, so it should never be used to excuse violent or controlling behaviour. The perpetrator alone is responsible for her actions.

She can be a good mother even if she abuses me, it does not have to affect our children

Reality: Children witness abuse more often than parents realise, and the effects can be traumatic and long-lasting.

An estimated 90% of children whose parents are in an abusive relationship witness the abuse. When a child witnesses domestic abuse it is child abuse.

Find out more about children and domestic abuse.

All couples argue – it is not domestic abuse, it is just a normal relationship

Reality: While disagreeing sometimes is part of a healthy relationship when abuse is involved, there is no discussion between equals. There is fear of saying or doing the ‘wrong’ thing and control over the other person’s thinking, emotions and behaviour.

Find out more about Recognising unhealthy relationships.

Domestic abuse only occurs in impoverished, inner-city areas

Reality: From an urban or rural area, rich or poor, anyone can experience domestic abuse, it does not matter where you live or how much income you have. It happens in all types of relationships, regardless of employment status and what type of house you live in.

Domestic abuse is a rare occurrence

Reality: Often domestic abuse goes on behind closed doors and is underreported, however, it is not an uncommon occurrence. One in four women and one in six men will experience domestic abuse in their lifetime.

Domestic abuse is often a one-off incident

Reality: An abusive relationship has an ongoing cycle of incidents of controlling, coercive or threatening behaviour, violence or abuse between those aged 16 or over who are or have been intimate partners or family members. It will often get worse over time.

People experiencing abuse often provoke assaults and therefore 'ask for it'

Reality: Domestic abuse cannot be justified in any way. Nobody is responsible for making someone abusive towards them. Abuse that has been going on in a relationship for a long time, sometimes decades, often becomes normalised, even to the point of believing they deserve to be hurt. This can lead to someone rationalising and defending their abuser’s behaviour.

Domestic abuse is a private matter that others should not get involved in

Reality: Domestic abuse is a crime and should not be ignored. Trying to tackle the situation on your own may be dangerous.

If you or someone you know is experiencing domestic abuse phone 0800 69 49 999.

In an emergency you should always dial 999, if you are unable to speak because you are worried you will be overheard you can press 55 and the operator will know that you need assistance.

More information

What is domestic abuse?

Domestic abuse is any type of controlling, bullying, threatening or violent behaviour between people in a relationship

Types of abuse

Domestic abuse is not just about violent acts, learn more about the different types

Recognising unhealthy relationships

What to look out for and signs that there is domestic abuse in a relationship

How we can help you

Find out about the Somerset Domestic Abuse Service and how we can help

Directory of additional support services

Somerset Domestic Abuse is Somerset’s main specialist service which provides support to men, women and children who are affected by domestic abuse.

Find other local and national services that can provide you with extra support.

Find a service

Contact us

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0800 69 49 999

Emergencies

If you or someone you know is in immediate danger, please call the Police

999

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