Domestic abuse is far more common than many realise. One in four women and one in seven men will face it during their lifetime, yet it’s not unusual for family or friends to remain unaware that abuse is taking place.  

While physical marks might be an obvious indicator, many signs are subtle and easily missed. Here, we explore 10 hidden signs that someone you care about may be experiencing domestic abuse:

Changes in behaviour

If a loved one becomes distant, cancels plans, avoids messages, or alters their social media habits, it could indicate something is wrong. Behaviour that seems out of character may signal underlying issues.

Increased tension or anxiety

Domestic abuse significantly impacts mental health. If a loved one appears more anxious or tense and no clear reason is apparent, trust your instincts. Research shows women who have been abused are more likely to experience conditions like depression or anxiety.

Excessive self-blame and apologising

Victims often blame themselves as a survival mechanism. Frequent and unnecessary apologies, even for trivial matters, may indicate they are internalising abuse.

Reluctance to discuss their relationship

Some people value privacy, but consistent avoidance of relationship topics could stem from fear, shame, or a desire to protect their abuser. Victims may worry about repercussions, hope their abuser will change, or fear the unknown consequences of leaving.

Defending their partner’s behaviour

If your loved one frequently defends or excuses a partner’s undesirable behaviour, it’s worth questioning why. This can be a protective response rooted in fear or manipulation.

Constant contact from their partner

While frequent phone use is common, excessive calls or messages from a partner, especially if they cause tension or discomfort, can signal controlling behaviour.

A rigid routine

Abusers often enforce strict routines, dictating how victims manage work, household tasks, childcare, or leisure time. If a loved one follows an inflexible schedule, it might indicate someone else is exerting control. Even long after abuse ends, these routines can persist as a coping mechanism.

Altered appearance or style

Abuse can manifest in changes to personal style. While long sleeves or sunglasses might hide physical injuries, less obvious shifts like wearing more or less makeup, changing clothing styles, or a new hairstyle can also be signs. If these changes appear out of character or lack confidence, they may hint at a more sinister reason.

Partner or relative insists on dropping them off or picking them up

A partner or relative’s insistence on always providing transportation, especially if it’s unnecessary, may be a tactic to monitor and control their movements.

Financial struggles despite no clear reason

Economic abuse is prevalent in domestic abuse cases, with abusers often controlling finances, withholding money, or creating debt in the victim’s name. If your loved one’s financial stress seems unusual, this could be a red flag. 

How to help 

If you suspect someone you care about is experiencing domestic abuse, here’s how you can support them: 

• Express your concerns: Gently voice your worries in a safe, private setting. Let them know you are there for them without judgment. 

• Be patient: It can take as many as 70 incidents of abuse and on average three years before someone seeks help. Allow them to open up at their own pace and remind them you are ready to listen whenever they are ready. 

• Avoid confronting the abuser: Confronting the abuser can escalate danger and deter the victim from confiding in you. 

• Help create a safety plan: Work with them to establish a plan, including safe words, escape routes, excuses for leaving, and access to essentials like money. 

• Encourage professional support: Suggest reaching out to organisations that specialise in supporting people experiencing domestic abuse. These groups can offer advice and resources tailored to their situation. 

Recognising the signs of domestic abuse is the first step toward offering support and potentially saving a loved one from further harm. Trust your instincts and act with care and compassion. 

If you are experiencing any form of domestic abuse, worried about someone you know, or concerned about the impact of your own behaviour towards others, help is available:  

• Call: 0800 69 49 999 (8am–8pm, 7 days a week including bank holidays)  

• Email: SIDAS@somerset.gov.uk  

• In an emergency dial 999. If speaking puts you at risk, stay silent, tap the phone, and press 55 when prompted.  

• For those who are D/deaf, hard of hearing, or speech-impaired, register with emergencySMS.net to text 999 in an emergency. If you use British sign language (BSL) you can go to 999 BSL for a BSL interpreter.